Please Direct Your Attention to the Front

Would you please shut the hell up and listen to me? Thank you. Yes, I said thank you, kind sir. That's what blogging is all about, is it not? To allow people to follow the ideas and or life of an individual. Generally, if that individual is not writing about themselves, they choose to write about music, movies, or any other sort of thing that interests them. I've also noticed that people tend to use humour or "shock-tactics" to draw attention to themselves. All I can say to those people is: a fuck you. A comedic edge to any piece can be positive, but only if executed properly. But purposely being disgusting or crude is a vile strategy at earning respect and viewership. You know what I once did? I once glued my hands to my dick so I was never not jerking off, this was right around the time i discovered the internet, so yeah, like a week ago. See? Now, some of you may think I'm being a bit of a hypocrite; some of you might be asking, "But, Hawkins, I thought you said you hated shock-tactic bullshit, and all the scum that use it?" Well, Mr. Idiot, you can just leave your opinion to yourself. The difference between the festering perverts on the internet and me, is that my story is true; it is fact. My hand is stuck mid shaft, and let me tell you, it hurts, a lot. At first I was like: holy fuck, best idea ever! Yeah, after about 15 minutes, I passed out, woke up a few hours later, dick still in hand. Unpleasant stuff. Anyways, the point of this seemingly barbaric story is to give an example into what I find appropriate, and what I don't.

Sorry, back to the narrative. I figure I can give a little bit of insight into who I am, briefly touch on my life so far, and where I've grown up.

I was born on June 8th, 1990, at the Lions Gate Hospital in Vancouver, Canada. Like some sort of hell spawn, I arrived on my father's birthday. I guess in a way I was some sort of sick joke, a permanent reminder of the mistake he made 9 months previous. I mean, it's easy to completely disregard your child from their birth onward, but when your reminded every year that you share that special day with someone, they get a little harder to forget. Living the first few years of my life in North Vancouver, I moved on to West Van once I hit the age of three. I lived out the next 15 years in the Eagle Harbour area, forging many lasting friendships, and ridding the world of Neo-Nazi bastards. Yes, life in West Van was tough, it kept me on my toes, I never really knew what to expect. Growing up - weapon of choice: hedge trimmer, mostly. If not hedge trimmer, fuck, i don't know, brick? I'm not all that creative, mostly I tend to use whatever is in arms reach. I never really minded school; I attended three different grade schools: Eagle Harbour Primary, Caulfield Elementary, and finally: Rockridge Secondary. Like I said, I didn't mind school. What I didn't enjoy was tools, condescending teachers, any sort of school work, and attending class. Yeah, it wasn't all that bad, only qualities that seemed to get in the way of my full enjoyment. The last two years I have been attending the University of British Columbia; I am currently living in Kitsilano, and let me tell you, it is far more enjoyable than anything West Vancouver has to offer. Other than the high population of pirates, and door-to-door homeless beggars, I really have nothing to complain about.